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Humor - PC Specifications (Purring Cat)

SPECIFICATIONS

Standard input:

  1. bilateral frontal whisker array
  2. bilateral adjustable audio dishes (range 20-20,000Hz)
  3. stereoscopic scanning device, with night vision
  4. Velcro(tm) flavor sampling device/energy collector
  5. twin front-mounted odor sampling devices.

Standard output:

  1. internally mounted purrbox
  2. single speaker with separate growl mode
  3. rear-mounted, fully-jointed semaphore device.

Processor:

  1. parallel neuron array with Random Access Memory
  2. autonomic control of system software.

Included Hardware:

  1. calcium-based skeletal structure
  2. byte-to-bit conversion array
  3. retractable document shredder/hole punch
  4. pawpad printer
  5. mouse (standard catnip).

Also included: natural fiber protective covering in various colors

SYSTEM SOFTWARE

Your PC will come preloaded with one of the following:

  • DOS (domestic shorthair)
  • OS (other shorthair)
  • MS (megasoft, installed in units with fuzzy covering)

Conversion to Eunuchs can be done by a simple operation. This is recommended to prevent the proliferation of cheap PC clones.

Bundled Software may include the following:

  • Mortal Kombat
  • Acrobat
  • Explorer
  • Stuffit Expander.

Your PC will automatically convert from laptop to desktop as needed.

There are no user-serviceable parts inside.

OPERATING YOUR PC

To start up your PC, push the power button (on any electric can opener). 

Your PC has an energy-saving mode known as Sleep. Your PC will Sleep automatically if unused for a short period of time, or you may invoke the Sleep mode by placing your PC in a soft, warm area. To wake your PC from Sleep you may press the power button as in Start, shake the mouse, or tap any of the PC's input devices (see specs).

To perform a Warm Boot: Remove your shoe, then tap the PC gently with your toes.

To perform a Cold Boot: Same technique as for Warm Boot, but leave your shoe on.

To Reboot: Repeat the Warm Boot.

Cleaning your PC: Use only mild soap and water, no solvents. Surface wash only. Total immersion is not recommended. If partial immersion is necessary, wear proper hand and face protection and make sure your PC is fully dry when finished.

Compatability and Networking: Your PC is designed to independently assess compatibility with other PCs.

Running Eunuchs will generally give your PC greater compatibility with other PCs. It may be necessary to install a firewall between incompatible PCs as each may attempt to breach the other's security systems.

Compatible PCs may share thermal energy and cleaning tasks and may network for gaming purposes.

Please note that your PC will be incompatible with units of type BIRD and FISH, unless appropriate security measures (such as a firewall) are installed. Your PC may tolerate one or more DOG units provided they occupy a subordinate position within the hierarchial structure.

Power Requirements: Alternating supply of canned cat food and dry cat food. Direct supply of water. Direct access to solar and thermal energy sources.

 

TROUBLESHOOTING

PC has difficulty exiting ... perform a Warm Boot.

PC shares files from dinner/table/plates without permission: Boot your PC prior to running food-related software.

PC Hangs Up Phone During Connection to ISP: Try invoking sleep mode prior to connecting to ISP. Otherwise, perform a Warm Boot.

PC Is Frozen: PC is probably scanning for small life forms. Reboot until it responds.

Deleted Material Not Going to Trash or Recycling Bin: reprogram preferences in PC sys/litter box/deposit/target.aim

Contributed by: Johanna
Saturday, May 15, 2004

Last Modified: Saturday, May 15, 2004 08:54.

Please let me know if you know the correct source for any of the humor pieces. I want to be sure that original sources are credited appropriately.

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