Humor - The Military History of France
Gallic Wars - Lost.
In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
Hundred Years War - Mostly lost.
Saved at last by Joan of Arc who inadvertently created The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
Italian Wars - Lost.
France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting the Italians.
Wars of Religion
France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots.
Thirty Years War
France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
War of Devolution
Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.
The Dutch War - Tied.
How sad. They were Dutch. "THAT'S A KEEPER."
War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/and other Wars of Louis XIV - Lost, but claimed as a tie.
Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
War of the Spanish Succession (Louis XIV's last one) - Lost.
The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
French and Indian War/Seven Years War - Lost.
France gets their first taste of what it is like to go up against a side that has Americans on it.
American Revolution
In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "DE Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
French Revolution
Won, due to the fact that their opponent was also French.
The Napoleonic Wars - Lost.
Temporary victories due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
The Franco-Prussian War - Lost.
Germany first plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.
World War I - Tied and on the way to losing,
France is saved by the United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein."
World War II - Lost.
Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the words to "Deutchland Uber Alles."
War in Indochina - Lost.
French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
Algerian Rebellion - Lost.
Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkish Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French."
This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Germans, Russians, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese, and Esquimaux, and Julius Caesar.
War on Terrorism
France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to a Vietnamese ambassador fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.
Last Modified: Saturday, May 29, 2004 09:10.
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