Humor - Latin for the Masses

PRACTICAL

Braccae tuae aperiuntur.
Your fly is open.

Subucula tua apparet.
Your slip is showing.

Ne auderis delere orbem rigidum meum!
Don't you dare erase my hard disk!

Raptus regaliter.
Royally screwed.

Re vera, potas bene.
Say, you sure are drinking a lot.

Se non e vero, e ben trovato.
It isn't true, it's a good story.

Si fractum non sit, noli id reficere.
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

QUANT

Bibere humanum est, ergo bibamus.
To drink is human, let us therefore drink.

Tam exanimis quam tunica nehru fio.
I am as dead as the nehru jacket.

MODERN PHRASES

Balaenae nobie conservandae sunt.
Save the whales.

Prehende uxorem meam, sis!
Take my wife, please!

Canis meus id comedit.
My dog ate it.

Summam scrutemur.
Let's look at the bottom line.

Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas?
Seen any good movies lately?

Ventis secundis, tene cursum
Go with the flow.

Quomodo cogis comas tuas sic videri?
How do you get your hair to do that?

Feles mala! Cur cista non uteris? Stramentum novum in ea posui.
Bad kitty! Why don't you use the cat box? I put new litter in it.

Animadvertistine, ubicumque stes, fumum recta in faciem ferri?
Ever noticed how wherever you stand, the smoke goes right into your face?

Neutiquam erro.
I am not lost.

Hocine bibo aut in eum digitos insero?
Do I drink this or stick my fingers in it?

Non calor sed umor est qui nobis incommodat.
It's not the heat, it's the humidity.

Revelare pecunia!
Show me the money!

Noli me vocate, ego te vocabo.
Don't call me, I'll call you.

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

Purgamentum init, exit purgamentum.
Garbage in, garbage out.

Te precor dulcissime supplex!
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas.
Thank you for not smoking.

Totum dependeat.
Let it all hang out.

Da mihi sis crustum Etruscum cum omnibus in eo.
I'll have a pizza with everything on it.

Obesa cantavit.
The fat lady has sung.

Die dulci fruere.
Have a nice day.

Fac me cocleario vomere!
Gag me with a spoon!

Fac ut gaudeam.
Make my day.

Fac ut nemo me vocet.
Hold my calls.

Vacca foeda.
Stupid cow.

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Furnulum pani nolo.
I don't want a toaster.

Id imperfectum manet dum confectum erit.
It ain't over until it's over.

Illegitimati non carborundum.
Don't let the bastards grind you down.

Absconde obesito illegitimo.
Get outta here you fat bastard.

Insula Gilliganis.
Gilligan's Island.

Labra lege.
Read my lips.

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.

Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?

Radicitus, comes!
Really rad, dude!

Radix lecti.
Couch potato.

Mihi ignosce. Cum homine de cane debeo congredi.
Excuse me. I've got to see a man about a dog.

JUST PLAIN DUMB

Aio, quantitas magna frumentorum est.
Yes, that is a very large amount of corn.

Anulos qui animum ostendunt omnes gestemus!
Let's all wear mood rings!

Visne saltare? Viam Latam Fungosam scio.
Do you want to dance? I know the Funky Broadway.

Credo Elvem ipsum etian vivere.
I think that Elvis is still alive.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Braccae illae virides cum subucula rosea et tunica Caledonia-quam elenganter concinnatur!
Those green pants go so well with that pink shirt and the plaid jacket!

LOVE AND SEX

Amicule, deliciae, num is sum qui mentiar tibi?
Baby, sweetheart, would I lie to you?

Apudne te vel me?
Your place or mine?

Quo signo nata es?
What's your sign?

Romani quidem artem amatoriam invenerunt
You know, the Romans invented the art of love.

O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem!
Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Volo comparare nonnulla tegumembra.
"I'd like to buy some condoms."

Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre?
Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?

Spero nos familiares mansuros.
I hope we'll still be friends.

WISDOM

Ex quocumque facere poteris te sauciabit, nihilo comprehenso.
Anything you can do can get you shot, including nothing.

Entia non sunt multiplicanda praeter necessitatem.
No more things should be presumed to exist than are absolutely necessary (Occam's razor).

MADDOG'S CORNER

Magister Mundi sum!
I am the Master of the Universe!

Nihil est-in vita priore ego imperator Romanus fui.
That's nothing-in a previous life I was a Roman Emperor.

Publius Vergilius Maro [The Aeneid]: Flectere si nequeo superos, Acheronta movebo.
If I can not move the gods, I will set the forces of the underworld in motion.

Recedite, plebes! Gero rem imperialem!
Stand aside plebians! I am on imperial business!

PHILOSOPHY AND ART

Ars est celare artem.
Art is to hide art.

Cogito, ergo sum.
I think, therefore I am.

Mendacem memorem esse opportet.
The liar should have a good memory. (Marcus Fabius Quintillianus [Institutio oratoria])

Cogito, ergo doleo.
I think, therefore I am depressed.

Sic transit gloria mundi.
Thus perishes the glory of the world. (Thomas A Kempis)

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Johannes Manlius [Loci communes]: Fiat justitia et pereat mundus.
Let justice be done, even if the world perishes.

Publius Ovidius Naso [Metamorphoses]: Fas est ab hoste doceri.
One should learn even from one's enemies.

Non teneas aurum totum quod splendet ut auram.
Everything that glitters is not gold. (Alain de Lille):

(when asked what God did before He created the World): Scrutantibus gehennas parabat.
He prepared Hell for those who ask such questions.

(Augustin) Cui bono?
Who benefits? (Cicero)

Nullo metro compositum est.
It doesn't rhyme.

Qui tacet consentire viditur.
Who remains silent appears to consent. (Bonifacius VIII)

Nam homo proponit, sed Deus disponit.
Man foretells, God decides. (Thomas A Kempis)

Clemens XIII (Carlo Rezzonico) (when asked to make extensive changes to the statutes of the Jesuit Order): Sint ut sunt aut non sint.
It shall be as it is or not be at all.

Aelius Donatus [Comments on Ecclesiastes]: Pereant qui ante nos nostra dixerunt.
Perish those who have said what we say before us.

Julius III: Nescis, mi fili, quantilla sapientia regitur mundus.
Know, my son, with how little wisdom the world is ruled.

Non curo. Si metrum non habet, non est poema.
I don't care. If it doesn't rhyme, it isn't a poem.

Putamus viam semper esse.
There is always a way.

Catonis admodum scitum est, qui mirare se aiebat quod non rideret haruspex haruspicem vidisset.
What astonishes me, is that when two diviners meet, they can keep from laughing at one another. (Cicero)

Nihil tam absurde dici potest, quod non dicatur ab aliquo philosophorum.
Nothing is so absurd that it hasn't been said by some philosopher. (Cicero)

INSULTS

Utinam barbari spatium proprium tuum invadant!
May barbarians invade your personal space!

Non impediti ratione cogitationis.
Unencumbered by the thought process.

Caesar si viveret, ad remum dareris.
If Caesar were alive, you'd be chained to an oar

Utinam coniurati te in foro interficiant!
May conspirators assassinate you in the mall!

Utinam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant!
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy!

Vescere bracis meis.
Eat my shorts.

Mater tua criceta fuit, et pater tuo redoluit bacarum sambucus.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Antiquis temporibus, nati tibi similes in rupibus ventosissimis exponebantur ad necem.
In the good old days, children like you were left to perish on windswept crags.

JUST LATIN

Sona si Latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Vah! Denuone Latine loquebar? Me ineptum. Interdum odo elabitur.
Oh! Was I speaking Latin again? Silly me. Sometimes it just sort of slips out.

Si hoc signum legere potes, operis boni in rebus Latinus alacribus et fructuosis potiri potes!
If you can read this sign, you can get a good job in the fast-paced, high-paying world of Latin!

Illiud Latine dici non potest.
You can't say that in Latin.

LEFTOVERS

Claudio Aquaviva: Fortiter in re, suaviter in modo.
Strong in cause, mild in manner.

Ceterum censeo Carthaginem esse delendam.
I also think Carthago should be destroyed. (CATO THE ELDER)

Publius Papinus Status [Thebais]: Primus in orbe Deus fecit timor.
It was fear that introduced gods into the world.

Suetonius: Festina lente.
Make haste slowly.

Homo sum, humani nihil a me alienum puto.
I am human, I regard nothing human as foreign to me.

Publius Vergilius Maro [The Aeneid]: Possunt, quia posse videntur.
They are able, because they appear to be able.

Non sum pisces.
I am not a fish.

Ut si!
As if!

Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure.
I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear.

Oblitus sum perpolire clepsydras!
I forgot to polish the clocks

me necabit!
God, look at the time! My wife will kill me!

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Borges sumus. Resistere inutile est.
We are the Borg. Resistance is futile

WAR

Cum catapultae proscriptae erunt tum soli proscript catapultas habebunt.
When catapults are outlawed, only outlaws will have catapults.

Si vis pacern parabellum.
If you want peace, prepare for war.

Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all the money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Cave ne ante ullas catapultas ambules.
If I were you, I wouldn't walk in front of any catapults.

Collaboratio maximi momenti est, quia eis alterum scopum praebet.
Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.

Conare nullius momenti videri fortasse missilibus careant.
Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

Duobus temporibus oppugnant hostes: cum parati estis, et cum imparati estis.
The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: (a) when you are ready for them, (b) when you are not ready for them.

Negligentia hostium quam non coluistis primus impetus erit.
The enemy diversion you have been ignoring will be the main attack.

Numquam catapultas allice, iram omnium concitabis.
Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.

Numquam fossam compartire cum viro tibi fortiore.
Never share a foxhole with one braver than yourself.

Numquam obliviscaris tua tela facta ab eis qui minima liciti sunt.
Never forget your weapon is made by the lowest bidder.

Noli eminere, catapultas allicies.
Don't look conspicuous, it draws fire.

Si hostes visibilis, etiam tu.
If the enemy is in range, so are you.

Si hostibus difficile incedere facias tu quoque male extricabis.
Make it tough for the enemy to get in and you won't be able to get out.

Si id memini non potes, scutula dirumpens semper at te collineata est.
If you can't remember, the claymore is always pointed at you.

Si impetus bene it, in laqueum incessistis.
If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.

Si locum inexpugnabilis facias, memento hostibus de hoc profiteri.
When you have secured an area, don't forget to tell the enemy.

Via perfacilis laqueis semper plena.
The easy way is always mined.

Si nihilo carueris nisi hostibus loco pugnae es.
If you are short of anything but the enemy you are in a combat zone.

Peritissimos semper praevidere possumus, rudi autem periculosi sunt.
Professionals are predictable, it is the amateurs who are dangerous.

Vulnus pectoris sugens ne properetis mos naturae dicendi est.
A sucking chest wound is nature's way of telling you to slow down.

Accius: Oderint, dum metuant.
Let them hate, so long as they fear.

Silent leges inter arma.
Laws are silent among weapons (i.e. during wartime).

Missiles invenientes semper potestatem viae habent.
Incoming fire has the right of way.

Dulce bellum inexpertis.
War is lovely for those who know nothing of it.

Contributed by: Gavin Urquhart
Friday, April 18, 2003

Please let me know if you know the correct source for any of the humor pieces. I want to be sure that original sources are credited appropriately.

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Editor's Note:

Contributed by Lord Gavin Urquhart, who got it from